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Laptop Issues

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Hang on, we got a call from the feds. They say we can do whatever with him, but the EPA doesn't want that laptop in the ocean. They're sending a team.
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sandge
7 days ago
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Atlanta, GA, USA
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Airplanes and Spaceships

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Despite having now taken three months longer than the airplane people, we're making disappointingly little progress toward the obvious next stage of vehicle: The Unobtanium-hulled tunneling ship from the 2003 film 'The Core.'
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sandge
29 days ago
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Atlanta, GA, USA
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Go Ahead and Celebrate, Wingnuts. Me and Mine Have Work to Do.

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You got what you wanted now.

He’ll overturn Roe.

He’ll side with businesses against unions. With wealth against powerlessness.

He’ll help politicians cut your goddamn sacred motherfucking TAXES.

Who cares if he’s a rapist?

WHO CARES IF HE’S A GODDAMN RAPIST, right?

Who cares how many women he hurt?

Who cares enough to even FIND OUT how many women he hurt?

You got what you wanted. You got what you wanted so why even bother.

You got what YOU wanted. You screamers outside the clinics. You affluenza-riddled tourists to the idea of America, policing the grocery carts of food-stamp recipients, angrily yelling MAGA at undocumented children. You got YOUR wish.

You selfish bastards. You support this man? You think he’s an imperfect tool of a perfect God? You think all of this is worth it for you to get your heart’s desire?

What even is that desire? To outlaw abortion? You’re outlawing abortion, fine. You’re not ENDING abortion. Only ending poverty and desperation and an enduring habit of treating women like dogs will end abortion. You’re just outlawing it.

Is that desire to save the unborn babies? You’re not doing that. Women will have abortions at the rate they always have. You will just not have to know about them. You will have an easier time pretending everything is fine. You will be more readily able to close your eyes.

Is that worth a few rapes? To keep YOUR precious conscience clear?

You’re willing to overlook a few rapes, ample and extensive evidence that this guy is an unsuitable, partisan douchebag, for … your moral comfort? So that you can say you were a part of making abortion illegal? So you can … like what do you get out of that? So you can fatten your bank account? Do you even hear yourselves?

Jesus God, do you hear anybody? There wasn’t even a criminal investigation. This was a job interview, for probably the highest job there is, and all anyone asked you to do was NOT PUT A PROBABLE RAPIST in that job.

“Don’t rush to judgment.” We’re not the ones demanding a vote before the elections.

“Innocent until proven guilty.” This isn’t a court of law.

“Anyone can be accused of anything!” She swore under penalty of perjury and you won’t support a call for witnesses to either confirm OR refute her testimony.

“It’s ruining his life.” It’s our court, we have a say in who sits there. We don’t have to hire anybody we don’t like.

I saw a friend get rape-splained on her own goddamn Facebook after she posted about her assault. You like being one of the people who does that? You like those people, hang out with them, want to be on their side? You’re out here screaming about due process, about abstractions, to people who’ve been assaulted. Physically assaulted, not just asked questions in a hearing room. You’re out here screaming about abstractions in the face of their reality. You want to be with those people?

FINE. You go do that then, and as for me and mine we will serve the Lord.

We have served the Lord before.

The Court upheld internment, and slavery, and forbidding women the vote. It turned a blind eye to the abuses of the war on terror. The Court has been ruled by monsters before, and may again, and is now. And there have always been those, since the beginning of time, who opposed it. Who worked to change it.

They lost and lost and lost, far more than they won, and they sharpened their teeth and died hard for it, and they will again. We will, again, while you celebrate with your rapist clown and his enablers. The world is always ending, and we are always beginning it again, and nowhere have I ever seen any contract says it isn’t supposed to hurt.

That’s the difference, between you and me. I’m not in this for peace.

More tomorrow.

A.



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sandge
71 days ago
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Atlanta, GA, USA
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Dear Costco Shoppers: This Is Why We Hate You

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“I despise all humanity.”

This was a text I sent my wife, from Costco. Another time I sent her one from that hellscape that read, “This world can only be cleansed by fire.”

It’s not the store. The store is fine. It’s the mindless muppets with the collective IQ of slug smegma that inhabit the place. But before we get into that, a word about the parking lot designer.

Dude, you rock.

I mean, it is obvious you’re a misanthrope, and you were hired for the sole purpose of creating a parking system outside Costco that would make people pray for a massive meteor strike. It was like, you knew 90% of Costco shoppers were destined for eternal hellfire, and you wanted to give them a taste of what they were in for. Congrats, my friend. You killed that shit. I admire your dedication to your craft.

Now to my fellow shoppers. This is why you make every visit to Costco a wretched, soul-destroying experience that makes me wonder if cheap meat, free samples, and an eighteen-month supply of veggie straws is worth the trip.

You forget to have your membership card ready
You didn’t forget to grab your cart on the way in, so you could handily clog the fuck out the entrance with it, yet you conveniently forgot about the forty-eleven other times you entered the store and how they needed to see your card to let you in every single goddamn time. So now you’re rooting through purses and cargo pants and patting various body parts saying, “I know it’s here somewhere” and making everyone behind you mutter, “Jesus Chocolate Christ on rubber crutches. We’re not even in the fucking store yet and I already want to start taking a set of steel toes to people’s shins.”

Worse yet, you give the person attitude for doing their job by asking to see your card. “What? Don’t you trust me? Of course I have a card.” Yeah, then what about the asswipes who sneak past then go to purchase a bunch of shit only to create a big scene (and screw everyone in line behind them) when they try to check out and can’t because they don’t have a membership.

It’s a membership-driven store. That’s how it works. This is not a difficult concept to understand.

You bring the whole fucking family
If you have no choice but to bring your children due to lack of available childcare, you get a pass. Hell, when my kids were little I’d take them to the grocery store on Saturday mornings so my wife could sleep in, because a well-rested wife is one that lets me paw at her.

Anyway, I’m talking about the ones who make it a family outing. Dad is there to keep Mom company, rocking his socks with sandals and cargo shorts while wandering around in a hungover haze, along with grandma and grandpa and someone’s second fucking cousin. Do you realize what an overcrowded Armageddon you’ve made this place into because your significant other won’t stay home with the kids? This is not entertaining for them, so they get frustrated and terrorize the store like a pack of dingoes taking down a baby kangaroo. I’m not sure if I should call childhood services or the gang unit.

You hog the samples
I think this might be connected to the previous one. And I don’t think you’re hurting for money, judging by how overloaded your cart is, but I imagine there’s a mentality of “Don’t eat breakfast, everyone. We’re filling up on free shit at Costco because FREE!”

It’s not supposed to be Sunday brunch. They put those samples out so you can decide if you want to purchase that product. And when you and your brood scarf them all, no one else gets a chance to try them.

At least eat a bowl of cereal before you show up, ffs.

You park your cart like it’s a monster truck
In other words, you couldn’t care less about anyone else and just leave the fucking thing wherever the hell you want, usually while you’re off shoving free samples into your face.

Yeah, I’ll just park this giant-ass cart sideways in the middle of an aisle. No one else in this busy store will need to get by.

Fuck you.

You drive your cart like you’re in Ulaanbaatar
I’m sure Mongolia is a lovely place filled with wonderful people, but I read an article once that said its capital has some of the most chaotic, free-for-all driving conditions in the world.

And it’s like you took your driving lessons there and applied them to pushing your cart around Costco. Left side? Right side? Screw that, I’m charging straight down the middle and crashing into people and displays and running over old ladies and relishing in my ability to create four-wheeled mayhem because reasons.

You treat the employees like shit
If you can’t function like a reasonable human being and treat the people serving you with a modicum of dignity, stay home and order shit over the internet.

You take your cart into the dairy cooler
You are the worst person ever.

Clogging the exit
THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH THE PERSON CHECKING YOUR RECEIPT! WE JUST WANT TO ESCAPE THIS HELL OMG GET THE FUCK OUT THE WAY!

You abandon your cart in the parking lot
Taking it back to a cart corral? That’s for other people. Let’s make this metal mania maze even more a nightmare by leaving giant rolling things all over it.

The world needs a new plague.


Got your own stories about what you hate about Costco shoppers? Share them here.

 

Follow James on Facebook and Twitter.

James S. Fell, MBA, writes for the Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Women’s Health, Men’s Health, AskMen, the Guardian, TIME Magazine and many other fine publications. His first book was published by Random House Canada in 2014. His next book, which is about life-changing moments, will be published in January 2019.  

 

 

 

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sandge
104 days ago
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Atlanta, GA, USA
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sandge
108 days ago
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Atlanta, GA, USA
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sandge
113 days ago
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